This is an old one, but funny! ?? Just wanted to share!
Pocket Taser Stun Gu*n, a great gift for the wife
A guy who purchased a pocket Taser Stun Gu*n for his wife submitted this story
Last week I saw something at Larry’s Pis*tol and Pawn Shop that sparked my interest
The occasion was our 15th wedding anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sizes Taser
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…?
WAY TOO COOL
Long story short, I bought the device and took it home
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button
I was disappointed, however, I learned that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what the burn spot is on the front of her microwave
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised
Am I wrong
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glassed perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand and Taser in another
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries
All the while I am looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long and less than 3/4 inch in diameter (loaded with two itsy bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, NO POSSIBLE WAY
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best..
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say “Don’t do it stupid”, reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil’ ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD…WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION…WHAT THE…!!
I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself
You will not let go of the thing until it has dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape
My bent reading classes were on the mantle of the fireplace
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it had been
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching
My face felt like it had been sho*t up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds
I had no control over the drooling
Apparently, I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair
I’m still looking for my tes*ticles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return
PS… My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think being smart is difficult, try being stupid! =========================