I’ve never been cheated on before aka I’m just a moron when it comes to warning signs (“Babe, what are your brother’s boxers doing on your bedroom floor?”) But I’d imagine if I uncovered indisputable evidence of cheating, I wouldn’t be able to pull off something this elaborate and contrived. My response would be harsh and immediate. I wouldn’t care if she was at her grandmother’s funeral, I’d storm into the church and give our relationship a heartfelt eulogy. Granted, I’d be crying like everyone else in the church, but I’m a fragile soul at heart.
But to wait until her birthday to crack the news and do her the favor of packing up all her shit, that’s discipline and self-control that I simply could not pull off. I’d probably be able to put up a front for about six minutes before I started imagining the other dude’s balls in her mouth and then I’d start crying uncontrollably and ask if they were tastier than mine.
Props to this dude for giving her a birthday surprise she won’t soon forget and then posting it on the internets so dickheads like me can publicly shame her.
Babe, those were your brothers boxers though, right? Oh they were that dude Chet’s who flexes in the mirror at your gym? Brb I’m going to nose dive off the Brooklyn Bridge with cinderblocks attached to my ankles.